Wednesday, November 20, 2013

** Me and the Pope-Guy **

How funny. Jeff is at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale and got 'randomly' pulled over into the cavity search area at security....again. They pulled him over on his way there, too. (Ha-HAH!!! It's YOUR turn, mister! Who's laughing now?)

I personally think that it's about time for him to get the royal treatment because they always seem to throw ME into the little fenced off area of shame. Because I look like a terrorist. Is it the book that I'm carrying? My yoga pants and comfy top? My sandals? I swear, for the longest time, I would look at myself in the airport restroom mirror afterward and just say, "WHAT??" What is it about me that makes them want to pull me over? I'm blonde, nearly middle aged (shut up), have brown eyes and I don't wear my flak jacket to the airport. I even had one lady in Newark PAT MY HAIR DOWN and I SWEAR, my hair was not that big that day; it was all tamed into a ponytail until this lady finished with it. After she'd floofed it up and I started scowling at her in an unfriendly manner for pulling my hair, only THEN did I look like a terrorist.

Definitely NOT a terrorist.

I asked her why I always seemed to get pulled over and she looked at me with a really bored look and said that "it was a random thing." I didn't believe her until one time when we were on our way to France. And, they pulled over the Pope. Not kidding. 

Okay, maybe he wasn’t the Pope but he was the next best thing.  There I was, sitting there in the little corral, waiting for them to come and shake me down, wondering where I could hide my brass knuckles and feeling slightly sheepish, when who should come walking down the little cavity search chute but the Pope’s right hand man.  I swear to God, this guy was decked out in a black robe with red piping, a big red sash, some sort of little black matching shoulder throw, with tons of buttons down every seam and a little cap on the top of his head.  He had a monster sized wooden cross hanging from what looked like several chains and a bell pull around his neck and had a big ole Little Bo Peep stick thing.  Of a moderate height and middle age, he had dark hair, a craggy nose, tanned leather skin and big, brown deep-set eyes.  He looked EXTREMELY Italian and could’ve walked right off of a movie set.  

He walked up and, even though there were about 10 other seats in the shakedown corral, most of them empty, he sat down right to the right of me.  I kinda chuckled and said, “Well, I don’t feel so bad, now…I mean, they got YOU, right??!”  He just gently smiled at me and I realized that he probably didn’t speak English.  (Either that or he was pretending not to in order to avoid the pesky terrorist in cavity-search central.  But, that would be kinda like lying and those pope-looking kinda folks don’t do that, right?  Right???)  He did not speak English.    

After that, he was really quiet.  I began to get a little nervous and my mind started racing.  Had I offended the pope guy?  Was God mad at me now?  Did he know that I was just joking?  Are they going to check his cross and Little Bo Peep stick-thing topper for weapons?  Is the STICK-THING, itself, a weapon?  Could there be a Batman/Penguin styled pull-out sword inside?  How do you cavity search a pope-guy?  Hopefully, you just wave that wand thing around him and hope for the best.  Don’t want to piss off God. 

I felt a little relieved (but kinda weird) when the lady came over with her little rubber gloves and patted me down.  Pope guy was being sweet and had his eyes closed with a little angelic smile.  (Is this guy for REAL?)  The lady said, “Okay, you can go” and unhooked a little gate thing in the corral.  My friend opened his eyes and we traded another smile and I felt a whole lot better.  Whew!  God wasn’t going to get me for joking with the pope guy, after all!  He got it!  Pope guy is cool.  :o)

Pope Guys at Play
So, next time you get randomly pulled over and shunted into the terrorist testing area, just remember that it IS random.  And, know that God loves you and sometimes sends pope-guys your way to make you feel better at the cavity search corral.  Have a happy flight! 


  1. April, you are so funny!! Pope-guy. That is a scream.

  2. Thanks, Momcat!!! <3 True story, 97.5% of it. (I didn't really have brass knuckles and I don't own a flak jacket.)


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