Sunday, October 27, 2013

** Yoga is Relaxing....Really.

When you think you’ve had a rough day, try doing some Yoga to relax.  This was how my Yoga session went yesterday evening.

Got a new Yoga mat, delivered fresh this afternoon by the UPS man!!  Yay!!  Thought I’d give it a break-in whirl this evening – It’s a top of the line, hard to find extra wide version that’s a plushy ¼ inch of cush compared to the Bandaid that most stores sell ya.  Now, I have taped episodes of Namaste Yoga off the tube, but I still like to do the TV version whenever it’s airing to save wear and tear on my tapes.  Tuesday nights, the AHN channel airs TWO episodes, back to back – I’ll do ‘em both ‘cause I’ve had a stressful day trying to figure out my new iPhone and could use some extra re-centering. 

So, 8pm is here and I roll out the comfy new mat to sit on my knees in modified hero pose, waiting to begin my session with the three crazy yoga ladies on TV.  Let the relaxation begin!

Smelly mat.  Caustic, toxic evil smell.  “Wow, I need to air this thing out,” I’m thinking.  A distraction, but I can overcome this one.  “Omm, Alpha waves, etc.,” I begin to think. 

“Deep breath in, now exhale and roll yourself down and forward for hero rolling” says the soothing voice on TV.  Oh, gag, this mat is giving me a headache.  “Now, into cat pose, breathe in, tuck your toes under and UP into downward facing dog you go on the out breath.”  You can hear the smile in her voice.  How nice.

Three crazy yoga ladies doing a down dog pose.
I’m now in a pose that causes one to have their bootie high up, with arms and legs straight down in an inverted V shape.  My headache worsens slightly.  I’m now able to study my orange feet upside down, which got that way because of an apparently blown experiment I did earlier with a self tanner.  “Oh. My. GOSH!  I’m an Oompa Loompa!” I’m thinking.  Oops, I’ve missed the yoga lady’s vocal cue to come out of 'down dog,' so I scramble to catch up with the three crazy yoga ladies, still trying to look at my colorful feet and wondering how to make them normal again.  Looks like someone spilled golden oak wood stain on them; I match my new bamboo floors.  Apparently, I don’t do self tanning very well.

Okay, wait, I’m not relaxing.  I’m distracted.  Back to Alpha waves, breathing in and out with the movements.  At one with the universe. 

“Resting phase in the workout, with Earth Rain, resting and breathing….”


What’s that noise?  “Elbows touch to go up, slicing in front of you, long back now, looking up….”


“And, arms sliiiiide down to either side to go down, breathing out, tucking your belly into your tailbone as you breathe down.”  Ahhhh…..nice and rel….


Oh, darn, darn, darn.  I know that sound.  The automatic pool cleaner (The Shark - We’ve named it Jaws) has gotten itself stuck again and it’s tail is bombarding the French doors with gushing pool water every few seconds.  Hard to concentrate.  I’ll need to get that unstuck during the commercial break.

Okay, back to concentrating on no distractions.  “SPLOOOSSHH!”  Ommmm….deep inhale….

Commercial!  Now’s the time!  I’m up and I grab the keys from the jar near the door, which is apparently the cue for the dog to begin to hurl herself against the doggy gate between the hall and living room as I open the patio door.

"Hello, I am KC.  I am happy.
Have you seen ball?
Where is ball?
(Tangent:  My hubby and son recently installed gorgeous new bamboo flooring in the living/dining areas! Beautiful!  Then, our Lab/Shepherd mix, KC, began to instantly rip it up with her claws, doing the ‘Scooby Doo Run-in-place Scrabble’ while chasing the cat or just running about, shaking her head around like a moron, just for the sheer joy of it all.  Fun and bizarre to watch, but terribly destructive to the new flooring.  We’ve had the old baby gates up until the new door entry style gates come in.  The family has gotten lots of exercise recently, doing hurdles into the bedroom and living areas.  So, why am I doing Yoga when I’m getting all this exercise already?  Ah, yes, to RELAX!  Back to the Yoga session.)

I’ve gotten outside but I hear that the dog has breached and broken the gate and is now scrabbling the floor to bits by the French Doors, wanting out.  !#*ARG%&!  I’ll free the shark first ‘cause it just spat on me a
bit, then let the dog out before I fix the broken gate.  I reach down to untangle the pool equipment and get a full blast in the face from the thing just as I reach down to free Jaws.  I’m now soaked fully on the left side and have had my sinuses properly flushed on the left side, also.  Dripping wet and gagging, I let the ignoramus dog out, free the shark and wonder how to get dry so I don’t ruin the new floors.  I need to get back to the yoga ladies!!  They’re going on without me!  I need to RELAX, dammit!!  My daughter, thankfully, has come down to explore the commotion and she hands me a towel.  Bless you, lovely daughter!  Toweling off, I pass the three crazy yoga ladies, all nice and relaxed on TV, on my way to change my clothes.  I’m hopelessly behind now and think, “Okay, I’ll just catch the next episode, no worries, dammit.  Oh, yeah….freakin’ OMMmmm.”

By the time I’m finished changing into fresh workout clothes, the second episode is well under way.  Okay, fine.  I’ll use one of my tapes.  As I begin to settle into the routine, I note that the dog is standing at the French doors, staring through at me, smiling and wagging, dripping wet ‘cause she jumped into the pool.  I’m about a minute or two into the tape when I hear the wet dog jumping up on the French doors, her frenzied way of requesting to come back inside because there is thunder booming, somewhere in the world.

(A different kind of Down Dog.)
Dogbutt.  Safe Dogbutt.
Hidden Dogbutt.
(Tangent:  KC is brain damaged and neurotic.  She is deathly afraid of loud noises.  A mild thunderstorm will send her, panic stricken, behind the toilet, through the bedroom gate and under the bed or shaking into the closet where she will hide under whatever she can find to hide under in there.  The fourth of July has made her go into extreme fear mode again.  Even though we gave her doggy downers on the actual day, kids were still popping firecrackers and stuff before and after.  Hideous noise!  Oh, foul boomage!  She will run you over to get away from the evil loud noise and knocks valuables off furniture on her way to the safety of the toilet sanctuary.  I’m tempted to put her on anti-depressants and/or sell her on Ebay.)

I hear her run around to the sliding glass doors to throw herself against them and then she goes back to repeat the process at the French doors, back and forth, over and over, “BAM!!  Bam, scrabble, BAM!”  as I am relaxing with my yoga tape and headache, my hair dripping pool water slightly on my new toxic yoga mat, overlooking the mangled doggy gate which I can see on the floor just beyond my orange feet.   


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